Filial wrong direction

 Me trying to be filial 

But it’s off

I loved all

But I am torn

One side I want to and can

One side I want to but cannot

I will become a great sinner

So end up, the side I can I must stop

The side I want but cannot I will do the wrong

So both wrong

At least it’s consistent right ?

Else how do I face myself 

Me the fucking 2 faced Chee bye 

Power

 You have only one life

There’s nothing after that ends

This is empowering TBH

What’s there to be afraid of?

Why hold back on what you want to do? What you want to try? What to eat? Where to go? Who to piss off? Who to be nice to?

When you are at your last breaths, will you pat yourself on the back for a job well done to restrain all these from yourself during this life? I don’t think so

Hence it’s empowering to understand this shit

Live 

Just one event away

 We are just one event away from ending it

This could be it

The toll shows

Shows up big time

No talking 

No ask how are things

I don’t event want to bother

Why

Not sure

It’s messed up for sure inside

But will leaving make it better ? That’s what she always asked

How the fuck I know ?

All I know is it’s terrible now

The conflict feels

 Such complex feelings

Different relationships 

Different issues

But in same dimension 

Happening at same time

Life is complex

I want a simple life

Strength in dealing with departing

 We all think we can be strong

But when it happens, you can’t find the strength 

Even trying to say words that you think should be easy, you will freeze, tremble or choke 

So, when someone can speak calmly during these times, listen and be respectful. It takes humongous strength to do it

Such strength can’t be gained overnight 

It comes from life experiences over time

It also comes from inner core values 

One possible technique:

Take a deep breathe to calm down first, and try to imagine you are a 3rd party looking in from a distance. Then form the words and speak out without immersing into the situation. But do be aware of your tone. Else you could end up sounding cold and mean when it was never your intention

Don’t be a human gps without being asked

 Lesson to myself too lol

Basic decency

 Why would someone not even acknowledge a good bye especially when it’s from a family member?

To me, that’s lack of basic decency 

And worst, it’s likely to be intentional pettiness 

What a fuck

What a fuck

What a fuck

Final moments

Many ways to go

For those who lived a full life to old age, how do you want your final moments to be?

Many don’t know

And do you care if your loved ones are by your side to tell you heir feelings before you go?

I believe those words and actions meant more when I am more alive. And those will be my memories 

 

If I am already mostly unable to communicate due to body shutting down, I don’t have to hear again

And it’s fine

Let me go

And let yourself go too and live on

That will be it

I think it’s inevitable

Fragility of life

 Videos on how the flash floods are taking lives in Nepal are appalling 

The power of nature overwhelms easily everything in its path

RIP to the departed and best wishes for the survivors 

It’s heartbreaking 

It’s also a stark reminder of how good we have it here

We must cherish our time 

Breaking an agreement

I can’t get over it.

We agreed, and I double checked to make sure you understood 

Then we proceed to act accordingly to our agreed plans

Then the agreement fell apart. 

Why

It’s not a game

You know it’s important to me or you don’t know? Or you pretend to don’t know?

How can this be treated lightly ?

It has such a huge impact on me. I almost couldn’t function. 

I couldn’t focus on work

It’s like my trust has been abused

I don’t have defenses against something like this happening as I never thought it will happen 

That’s why it broke me

It’s been about 2 years since 

But it’s like yesterday 

So fresh it’s the wound 

It didn’t heal

Still bleeds

It’s like a black hole

No light