Dare to hope

I used to be rather positive person, thinking things will always be ok as long as we deal with them logically and with maturity.

Even after several setbacks? I cling on to hopes that it will become better over time. 

Yet time and time again, I was caught off guard, and each time the hurt is harder than the last. Why? I think it’s precisely due to the fact that I still have hopes. But with that mindset, the hurt is much more when setbacks happen.

So, perhaps it’s better to be less optimistic? So that I can be pleasantly surprised if things do work out, or conversely, I will be neutral if they don’t, since that would be inline with what I expect. 

But choosing such a path is horrible to me. It means there’s no more hope. There’s no motivate to do the best. It’s just dragging my feet to move along life. 

It’s like in perpetual self preservation mode, vs what I want, which is perpetually working towards a brighter outcome with hope and confidence and vigor.

So, do I still dare to hope?

Maybe. 

After this recent episode, I realized I did my duty. Those efforts were not in vain. But at same time, I felt shortchanged. 

Why?

Like I am less important. Like I am taken for granted. 

Like my feelings are not important. Like I am ok with any treatment. Like rubbish. 

Respect must be mutual. 

Resentment is brewing nonstop and getting worse. It’s scary.

But to suppress and swallow it quietly is also not the way. 

So much to lose but so much pain too.

Sigh. 

Care giving

Care giving duties are no joke.

It’s not just the physical demands or financial outlay. 

It’s the mental load especially if it’s your close ones.

All these can add up to a distressing strain on your life, your routines and mental state.

Respect to those who have care giving duties.

I hope AI powered robots can help us within next 20-30 years. 

We all have longer lives now, and it doesn’t make sense to burden our younger folks with such long terms of care giving duties. 

Mood swings

Maybe I am having mid life crisis. No, not buy that white 911. It’s too pretty and I’ll also go bankrupt 

It’s my mood swings. One omelette moment, I am delighted and positive, next moment I feel like shit

Maybe I just need to watch more YouTube weedios 

Encounters on roads

I don’t think it unique to SG but it’s being amplified due to our narrow roads and heavy traffic.

Many times when I am just chilling and driving, especially during peak, there will be tailgaters.

Today, for no reason, a mini cooper that looks modified started to tailgate me on lane one when there’s a line of cars in front and beside me. Where the hell was I supposed to go?

I put a safe distance between me and the front car while just ignoring his tailgating. Soon, the cars in front filtered out and the road cleared up. I sped up a little to 100 but this joker continued to tailgate.

This really pissed me off. My exit is just a few hundred meters out so I just kept him behind for a short distance before filtering out, but the child in me decided to also accelerate while I filter so that he doesn’t pass me on my side. 

But now that I think about it, I think I can be a better person. I should just filter and continue my way without the acceleration. There is nothing I need to prove. My car is likely faster but so what if it wasn’t. Nothing to prove.

I should just chill and move on. Such ass exist and I don’t need to be bothered 

Material possessions

We live in a material world in SG. It’s a fact. It’s a modern urban city environment. Many things are manufactured and consumed. 

We chase after material possessions. 

However, after 50yrs, my view is slowly changing. 

No, I don’t mean I am now a monk, devoid of materialism.

More like, I think my desires are more selective, and considered. Instead of chasing something, which is simply the enjoyment of researching the item I want and then reaching the climax of owning it, my intent now is the lifespan of the ownership.

Let’s say a watch. Before owning it, I could spent countless hours watching YouTube, scouring forums for reviews and user experiences, salivating over hi-res photos of it, reading about the design motivations and so on. It was truly enjoyable process. Then when I pull the trigger to buy it, it was the climax. Guess what happens after that? Yeah, turn the sheets and go to bed after climax lol. The watch sits at home most of time collecting dust. It rarely occupies my mental bandwidth anymore. Occasionally I will wear it, but even while doing that, I hardly spend time to appreciate it intentionally. Yeah, no ownership joy and pride as I had fantasized before buying it. Then the stupid cycle repeats, not just watches, but other things. Cars, shoes, headphones, gadgets etc.

These leads to problems 

One, a lot of stuff. They take up physical space, they need to be serviced/cleaned, they also take up some mental space (at least I have to remember I have them in my possession and where they were stored right?). So there is a real cost.

Two, it escalates. I will always be yearning for the better and likely, more pricey version of what I already have (and barely uses or hardly appreciate anymore). This can costs too, especially if I act on it. Even if I don’t, the costs is time spent fantasizing, reading reviews, time lost that would be used more meaningfully

So, before I bring home the next possession, my reviews and thoughts of getting it includes now, how I will use it, store it, upkeep it, and also, what’s the exit plan like. For sure sometimes I will make mistake and bought something useless, so an exit plan must be there. Either sell or give away. Don’t accumulate. 

What about those already in my hands?

Take good care of them, use them, appreciate them. Sell or donate or give away if I don’t want them. Free up my own mind space and time.

Less is more. Don’t be a miser, but get things you like and can sustain. It’s also better for environment. Don’t buy and throw, it’s disgusting. 

Hospital

Damn, I have been going to SGH campus so many times recently. Not for myself, but my wife and my in-law. 

I am definitely getting familiar with the layout there lol.

Hospital especially public ones in SG, always involves a lot of walking and waiting. It’s how they operate at scale. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally impressed and appreciative of our public healthcare institutions. It’s how we avoid going bankrupt as we age hehe.

Introspection always happen when you spend time in hospital, even if it’s just visiting and not being a patient yourself. At least that’s what happens to me.

It’s a place where people hope, anticipate, felt relieved, felt sad, or grieved. It’s a melting pot of full range of human emotions. 

I am pretty sure I will become a patient here as I grow old. 

Sometimes being here too much can make my heart heavy. But I have learned to take things light. And look positive.

I am much more appreciative of what I have, my own health and my freedom. Staying healthy is my top priority as it allows me to fully enjoy my freedom during retirement. 

Many things that bothers me are actually trivial compared to what sick folks face while in hospital. There’s so much more that life can offer for your attention and enjoyment vs the little things that you hang on to make yourself unhappy, while the clock of life continues its steady ticking. Don’t waste life this way. 

Don’t wait until you are lying in hospital bed, chained to a drip, wearing patient clothes, and just staring out of the windows hoping you can be discharge asap

We will all have that chance no matter what. So meanwhile, don’t worry over things too much. Stay healthy, eat well, take good care of yourself, enjoy the food you like in moderation, go see the world, go sit in a park by beach and enjoy the air, with a nice cuppa in hand, listening to nice jazz music from your Bluetooth speaker.

Hospital, thank you for the lessons, see you but not so soon. 

discovered coffee box for outdoors

 Damn, search for Stanley metal lunch box and see what some folks are using it for. Very impressive. Then realised the freaking metal box is like $120. WTF

Retro and cool is not cheap leh.

haha

Peak hour driving

 I hate driving during peak hours, especially during evening peak. It’s end of office hours, people should just chill and drive. Don’t road hog, but no need to be so aggressive. 

But maybe I am too sensitive, especially when the driver behind has no brain and follow too close even when there is literally a long line of cars right in front of us. 

I am just glad I am not like all these losers who have to drive to and from work every weekday and having their blood pressure spiking during their commute. Not only they have to continue in their slog, they also dumbass enough to take it out via driving. 

Regardless I need to chill too. Just ignore whoever is behind will do. If they want to overtake aggressively, leave a gap and let them come in and let them go ahead, so I no longer have to risk myself. He or she can go fuck themselves up further in their pathetic lives by getting into accidents, on a regular commute home after a work day. And then miss their dinner, miss meeting or fetching their kids from childcare, and all the consequences. I don’t want any part of that or get involved. Go fuck yourselves. Go fuck with your pathetic puny 1.4 or 1.5 inline Cat A turbo engines in your cheapskate BMW, Audi, Mercedes, show the whole world how ignorant you are, thinking those are the powerful sporty machines you believe the salespeople tell you. 

It’s a joke and a 120bhp GLB180 tries to gun it in front of a 300bhp EV. Bro, I was just driving normally and you think it’s a race? Lol. Go ahead and rev until your tiny engine explode lor. 

What are you doing today?

Ah that dreaded question a retiree, especially a newly minted young one gets asked every now and then, usually by those still in the rat race. 

Now, I have started to not dread these, or read too much into the meaning and intent.

Why? Because I know the person asking cannot understand what it feels like to be in my situation. Sometimes, people cannot believe I can live off my investments at this age. They think I am lying and just saying something to save my own face or ego. And for those who actually believe, they still have other insecurities about my situation, thinking something is wrong. LOL

So, no point being upset or defensive. It's a matter of time these same people will retire and then they will understand. Hopefully not when they are too old and frail lol.

So what's my answer then?

Instead of stressing myself to think about what to say or think hard about what I actually already planned to do today, I will simply answer "I am going to enjoy life today"

That's the best and quick answer that I can just roll it off my tongue anytime and not be stressed. 

I am not lying at all.

I am really going to enjoy my life today and every other todays. 

Why?

Because whatever I plan to do, it's my choice and my freedom. I don't have to answer anyone, I don't have to tell anyone the details of each item I plan to do today. Maybe I will tell someone if that person is really keen, but TBH, whoever that ask the original question, aren't keen in the details of what I plan to do today. They just want to find out if I will be unsure, lost or clueless, so they can tie back to their theory about me in their mind. They are not keen to know me, but I hope over time some will as they grow out of this. 

Whatever I plan to do today, it may happen, or I may change my mind. I don't report to a boss, I don't have a hard dateline to complete a task (unless it's a bill I have to pay lol), so I can always flip to other things that appear to be more enjoyable as life. So logically it doesn't make sense for me to explain what exactly I intend to do today in general unless you are going to join me. hehehe

Don't get me wrong, I am not about to live aimlessly and die young due to brain damage. 

I have my routines everyday, and I stick to them. Eat well, prepare a solid breakfast, keep things in house tidy, fix broken things, exercise a lot, take a nap when sleepy, watch my investments. Read news, read books, write my journal here. That's my current routine and it's been working fine. Then there will be side things or passion projects, that can be a trip planning, researching on new pair of shoes, checking out renovation ideas for my next apartment etc.

See? I am enjoying life today. that's my answer. 

I hope you enjoy yours too

healthier SG screening

I love my govt. For folks my age, we get free screening for blood and colon cancer.

So I happily walked into my fav CHAS clinic, gave them some of my blood and my shit, and waited for a week for results.

So how's the result?

Well, blood tests showed I am not diabetic, so yeah!

But it showed my LDL is slightly elevated, but not enough to warrant any treatment or medication. Though I will want to measure it again in 3 months' time to check on its trajectory. 

I have recently increased my cardio workouts, mainly going for 3km jogs almost daily. I think it will help in LDL control and also help cut down the visceral fat that is around my tummy. Doc said I need to reach heart rate of 145bpm for my age range in order to start burning those fats. My jogs I hit 140 or so, so it's good. I can run a little faster in coming months as I get used to the tempo. 

Shit test? that's clear as well, Heng ah!