The conflict feels

 Such complex feelings

Different relationships 

Different issues

But in same dimension 

Happening at same time

Life is complex

I want a simple life

Strength in dealing with departing

 We all think we can be strong

But when it happens, you can’t find the strength 

Even trying to say words that you think should be easy, you will freeze, tremble or choke 

So, when someone can speak calmly during these times, listen and be respectful. It takes humongous strength to do it

Such strength can’t be gained overnight 

It comes from life experiences over time

It also comes from inner core values 

One possible technique:

Take a deep breathe to calm down first, and try to imagine you are a 3rd party looking in from a distance. Then form the words and speak out without immersing into the situation. But do be aware of your tone. Else you could end up sounding cold and mean when it was never your intention

Don’t be a human gps without being asked

 Lesson to myself too lol

Basic decency

 Why would someone not even acknowledge a good bye especially when it’s from a family member?

To me, that’s lack of basic decency 

And worst, it’s likely to be intentional pettiness 

What a fuck

What a fuck

What a fuck

Final moments

Many ways to go

For those who lived a full life to old age, how do you want your final moments to be?

Many don’t know

And do you care if your loved ones are by your side to tell you heir feelings before you go?

I believe those words and actions meant more when I am more alive. And those will be my memories 

 

If I am already mostly unable to communicate due to body shutting down, I don’t have to hear again

And it’s fine

Let me go

And let yourself go too and live on

That will be it

I think it’s inevitable

Fragility of life

 Videos on how the flash floods are taking lives in Nepal are appalling 

The power of nature overwhelms easily everything in its path

RIP to the departed and best wishes for the survivors 

It’s heartbreaking 

It’s also a stark reminder of how good we have it here

We must cherish our time 

Breaking an agreement

I can’t get over it.

We agreed, and I double checked to make sure you understood 

Then we proceed to act accordingly to our agreed plans

Then the agreement fell apart. 

Why

It’s not a game

You know it’s important to me or you don’t know? Or you pretend to don’t know?

How can this be treated lightly ?

It has such a huge impact on me. I almost couldn’t function. 

I couldn’t focus on work

It’s like my trust has been abused

I don’t have defenses against something like this happening as I never thought it will happen 

That’s why it broke me

It’s been about 2 years since 

But it’s like yesterday 

So fresh it’s the wound 

It didn’t heal

Still bleeds

It’s like a black hole

No light

mood swings

 its happening again

Nothing was wrong with life

but why

I seem to think I got it

I guess its the lack of closeness

the lack of talking

each day, just be on our phones, on our earphones until we sleep

and then I started feeling resentful 

resentful of what I need to do in the next 1-2 years

resentful because I know its going to eat a chunk of me when I do that, and its a big sacrifice, and yet my intuition and past experiences tell me that this will be a sacrifice in vain. I will be suffering for no good reason and I am thus wasting my life

I know even after doing this big thing, it's not going to matter, because it's only big to me. Its not important to others

No one will know my pain

I want to leave, but I can't bear to

its a struggle

its like a dead end

Importance of sun

 I felt lethargic for a good part of past 2 weeks, mostly due to recovery from coughing and a bad tummy.

I know I was on recovery path, but it felt that it dragged its feet.

So I decided to go for a weekday morning bike ride at ECP, when the glorious morning sun is out from 9am 

I rode for over 1.4 hours

It was a slow and leisure ride, with some stops to enjoy the scenery given its a week day and the path I took was really empty

Guess what? I was so refreshed for the rest of the day and the next few days!

wow!

I think baking in the sun for 1-2 hours does wonders for our health, both physically and mentally

Of course I will not go crazy and overboard, given that I don't like sunscreen/block and thus would not want to risk skin damage/cancer

While I am active, running and cycling every week, those are mostly during evenings or before morning sun is out

So from now on, I must make it a point to do a day of 9am run/walk/cycle to soak in some vitamin D (VD! lol )

kids

 I am happy

My kids are definitely on a trajectory that is good and likely to exceed mine

Not in terms of just finances, though that should be too given that I am setting up a good example :D

But in terms of maturity at their ages, sensibility and most importantly, ability to be critical in thinking

If anything, this is what I will be most proud of in my life. 

I will continue to devote my resources and time and effort to support them in this path.