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values values values

 What are values? These are things I believe I should do, rules of life that I follow. 

First of all, be honourable, honest and have integrity. 

Be respectful and polite by default. But stand your ground so you are not a pushover. Don't harm others, but be ready to defend and protect with all your means.

Be responsible. To your family, especially your partner, children and your parents.

And, keep your word. Don't make promises you cannot keep or have no intention of keeping, especially to someone close. Don't belittle what's important to someone else.

And if you do end up making one and breaking it, take ownership of the consequences and apologise. 

Personally, I am dealing with the consequences of a promise someone made but broke on me. Its horrible. It's an open wound that did not heal. 

As much as I want to let it slide, I can't.

Why?

Because, in order to let it slide, I had to take action to rectify a situation. And taking this action, to me, violates my values. And this is very hard to live by.

I know what I need to do to rectify, but at same time, I know it will be a big mistake on my part, and something that I will carry with me as a wrong thing to do, and I am quite unsure how I will live on with it. 

I have not done it yet, but I will have to do it within next 12 months. 

Meanwhile, I try to be as happy as I can, but I know something is coming. 

And I still do not know what I will actually do. Or how I will actually feel and then react when the deed is done. I will do a good job for sure, but what happens after it's done? Will life be normal? Or it will spiral down out of control? can't tell at all.

There's a very strong intent to sort things out, and then leave. Not an escape, but a relief from this misery.

Because, this is like me doing it all alone, to fix something which I am not 100% responsible for. There are no companionship, no support, no empathy. If I make a mistake, it's my fault again. If I do good, no one will appreciate.

The pain is huge. Not being heard by someone close. Being glossed over. 

its lonely. 

I can say and talk, but there's no feedback. There's no understanding. There's no compassion on the difficulties I will face.

"your problem" is what I felt. 


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