Shadow of a parent

 My dad cheated on my mum when I was in my late teens.

It wasn’t exactly clear to me why he did it and what causes the breakdown in the marriage but at that time, all I know were what my mum told me and my siblings. So perhaps it’s a one sided story, since he never really took the initiative to explain himself to us. 

TBH, what he did (having extramarital affair and leaving us) has a profound impact on our lives. Not just the practical aspects but also how we grew up and build our own lives and families as we become adults ourselves. I can’t speak for my siblings but I believe it’s close to what I felt. 

All my life since, I told myself to be a better spouse and parent using my own dad as the negative example and my mom as the positive one. It’s a simplistic take on a very complex issue, and that’s how I deal with things. It has its pros and cons. Pros in that it allows me to keep my life simple and in turn allows me to focus. Cons is that it doesn’t provide closure for me, even today. 

In fact, I am starting to intentionally move away from modeling my behavior and goals this way. How to be a good husband and parent, it should be based on my own yardstick, created by myself, based not just on my parents but also collective knowledge that I gathered from people around me. It should be that way. It’s more robust. It will also allow me to let go of negative feelings towards my dad, not that it matters to him, but more of not allowing it to interfere with my life anymore. My parents marriage status is their problem to deal with, and not my responsibility. They did their best to give me a life and I appreciate it. They are humans and they make mistakes too. I am not in position to judge. I’ll do my duty to my mother since she is the one whom stayed to be there for me and my siblings while my dad effectively went away to build another family. Maybe he was blocked by my mum but he has our numbers and he could had reached out directly anyway. 

Dad, whatever choices you made, you bear the consequences. I don’t hate you. I wish you have a good life too. Don’t be upset that we aren’t connecting with you. You need to understand why and you should just move on. 

I won’t live my life aiming to not to be like you. That’s not fair to you or me. I could make mistakes too. I am not perfect. I’ll move ahead with my own mind and choices, while holding respect for you and mum as my parents who gave me this life. 

So many types of lives and paths

 Mine seems normal and boring. But I am not complaining 

Normal and boring is a blessing

You will not want to change it for anything else

I have normal family. Normal kids. Normal spouse

A normal career that went very smooth during my most productive years. Allowed me to do wonderful things while setting up myself for success in retirement and being a decent provider for my family.

I won’t wish for more. I am blessed

I work towards peace and contentment 

The need to show off

Why do we all feel the need to show off? I am guilty of it too.

Telling your friends how expensive your holiday is, complaining it while in reality your intention is to show off how you are going to spend so much

Offering a ride to friends or colleagues when they don’t even ask for it or already said they can uber. In reality you just want to show off your new fancy car.

Positing photos of nice things.

I have been trying very hard to restrain it myself but still fail sometimes. 

Nowadays, Uncle seldom post anything in uncle’s FB page anymore. No more “check in” at airport telling everyone I am taking a flight to somewhere. No more posting happy photos of me and family going on a vacation, celebrating a birthday. No more up close photos posts of new gadgets I got. I still do those actual things but I just tell myself to not post to FB about it. IG? I do post there more but mostly on foods and sceneries. TBH, after a while, I feel better for it. I no longer felt compelled to post an update about my life to let others know. That felt free. Free from expectations of others. And TBH, most people don’t care. Who cares if you are celebrating your son’s 10th BD, who cares about your 25th wedding anniversary, who cares that you went some fancy expensive place for vacation? No one. None. Zero. They may comment, like or react to your posts. But that doesn’t mean much. In fact you are just inviting envies and gossips. So you lose in the end. So why spend effort and time to curate an ideal post? Just stop. It’s better.

It’s better to keep things close to your chest. Don’t show your cards. Don’t lie, but just don’t share unless asked. You keep your sanity and retain/gain trust and respect. Do you trust a showy person, a loud mouth person? Or a reserved, steadfast, knows what he wants, real person? 

You can watch others posts and consume the contents to keep abreast of happenings. But you don’t have to post. Silence is golden. 

Taking vacation from work

 That dreaded feeling that this freedom is only short timed. Going back to work feels horrible. I want that feeling of not going back to work hahahaha 

Nightmare of work during vacation

 So I had a nightmare while sleeping during vacation

I dreamt of forgetting to complete a task assigned to me before I went on vacation.

It was nerve wracking

Not sure why it would be. Maybe I am ultimately a very responsible employee lol

But TBH I am not proud to be “responsible” this way at this stage. 

Maybe it’s ok to when I was younger and building my career and assets. But I at at the age and stage where this isn’t a proud thing. I should be responsible for ensuring I live happily for my remaining time on earth. And that time is not short but it ain’t guaranteed too

So, maybe this is the sign of things to come in Jan hehe 

Hopefully not more nightmares 

So many crazies

Taiwan has mad man stabbing people randomly 

Sydney has shooters firing indiscriminately 

RIP for those departed. I am sorry you were entangled into this mess.

Sigh…life is so unpredictable and yet we all live as if we always have a tomorrow.

“Let me get this job done for my boss while my family can go get their own dinners”

“I’ll postpone again that kopi session with my buddy as I am too busy”

“I’ll sort my fitness out when I retire”

“I’ll retire but let me get more money first”

Tomorrow is not a given 

Please know when to start living your previous life 

Miles

 

Time to fly

Stronger in conviction

Felt like I was a floating passerby during team dinner. I am like an observer looking through a lens. Looking at the young and restless doing what they do, the more mature ones doing what they do. 

It’s a show for sure. I don’t enjoy it but I also enjoyed it at some time.

Stronger is what I felt as I sipped the white wine. Stronger in my conviction that I should leave while I am able. While I am healthy and strong. Not when I get bogged down by stress and lack of self care due to work. 

Money is never enough one. But it’s also enough if one chooses to.

I don’t have to answer to anyone. What I have saved up is more than enough for my kids to let them complete their education in a same and comfortable environment.

Still, there’s lingering worries about impacting others if I just leave. That’s a little irresponsible to folks who are making honest bread for families. I’ll be remembered as a passing old fart? Haha

One of the leads commented I look young for my age, and was surprised at the ages of my kids. I reckon he is barely 35. Long way to go bro. All the best. Definitely a nice person and high potential. Good for him. Hope he build a good life for himself and get out soon of this rat race.

Hope the higher boss who flew around the world also have that luck and fortune. He seems a decent guy too. 

TBH, good company if I were to immerse. But I think my remaining time is shorter and I cannot trade this way.

Ok. After CNY, maybe I’ll check out? 

Basic needs and progress

 What are our basic needs that will form the bedrock upon which we build progress/suffer setbacks?

A safe and stable place to live. 

Medical care

Food

Clothes

Above are the basics to survive. Mess them up and everything else crumbles quick.

But get them right, you’ll live. But barely.

Why

Relationships and meaning are next to ensure you thrive 

A toxic relationship wears you down. It’s like friction on your supposedly smooth slide to happiness 

No matter how much you push, the friction slows or even stops you. 

Doesn’t matter how nice your home is, how good your medical care is , how much good food and clothes you have.

So, unless you want to walk around like a zombie 

To all those still grinding

 Not to those who have no choice or are unfortunately too lowly paid to consider any options

But to those who are already in their late 40s and well established and have enjoyed high income for at least 15years. 

What drives you?

Are you looking for a way to stop working and smell life?

Everyone puts on a mask.

“I enjoy building this!”

“I love my team mates”

“Can’t wait to embark on this journey with company ABC!”

All these masked posts in LinkedIn, FB etc. really?

You celebrate your freedom or loss of freedom?

I do that too myself. We put a mask on to hide our dissatisfaction and to endure things. So that we can give a finger later.

When will that be?

Will it be too late? Or perhaps never come and we get the finger by the company instead when we are too old, too sick, too slow?

If you are like me, awaken since witnessing the first team reorganization and layoffs? And started building a life towards not working for decades and decade and being a slave, good for you! Wish you success and you better wish me too lol

To those not, please take time to think and plan. That extra hour put in, that time lost that made you miss a family gathering, a birthday, a school play. They are irreplaceable. Irreversible. They are a black mark. Permanent ink. Think of your loved ones. Those who look at you and wonder “when is it enough? How much more work do you want to do? Why can’t you slow down? I don’t need more fancy presents, I want your attention.”

I am fucking lucky in my career. I was already enjoying remote work and work from home when my first child was born. I was there at home everyday from the day she was brought into this world. I cuddle her every day. I witnessed all her milestones. I am there when she gets off the bus. To listen to her stories of her time spent. To endure her tantrums. And then second kid comes. I am fully 100% WFH. Same deal for this kid. Daddy is always at home. They have no experience of seeing me go office except when I have to travel to HQ for team meetings. They just know I will be around. I am so lucky to experience this. It’s unique and not every working dad here can do that. Well, some actually told me the prefer to go work in office. Really? Really? Well good luck to you. You are spending hours toiling while your boss goes home early for family time. Think about that. 

And now, I think I have sufficient resources to let my kids have a good education wherever they want and whatever they want. I don’t spoil them, but I’ll support their hardwork. And that I am grateful for. To have resources.

And not just to provide for my dependents, but to also ensure I can deal with my retirement and my wife’s without burdening my adult kids. 

This will be my ultimate legacy. 

And I hope my kids will do same for theirs if they start a family. No more sandwich class. No more lifetime of hardwork and regrets. More time to listen to music, read books, enjoy good company. Good coffee and good food. And be a good person in general. 

So, when should I retire? Let me think ….

Freedom or restrictions

 Working includes restrictions imposed on how you use your waking hours, in return for freedom in future.

But what if you already have tasted freedom and could continue to do so? 

Would you want to be restricted again? 

Yes if you have a goal. You must be fucking clear minded and locked in to that goal. Don’t get lost in the grind and become a slave again.

Also, what is freedom?

Not working doesn’t automatically gives freedom. It could impose a different and even harsher form of restriction. You may have time, but you can’t enjoy it because you don’t have other resources.

Even with resources and time on hand, you must have goals and schedule, the big difference is your goals and schedule is entirely yours, not determined by anyone else. That’s a huge liberation but also a huge responsibility to self. Working doesn’t give you that since you kind of live your time based on what the company machinery wants from you, so you can just outsource this responsibility and be lazy.