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Shadow of a parent

 My dad cheated on my mum when I was in my late teens.

It wasn’t exactly clear to me why he did it and what causes the breakdown in the marriage but at that time, all I know were what my mum told me and my siblings. So perhaps it’s a one sided story, since he never really took the initiative to explain himself to us. 

TBH, what he did (having extramarital affair and leaving us) has a profound impact on our lives. Not just the practical aspects but also how we grew up and build our own lives and families as we become adults ourselves. I can’t speak for my siblings but I believe it’s close to what I felt. 

All my life since, I told myself to be a better spouse and parent using my own dad as the negative example and my mom as the positive one. It’s a simplistic take on a very complex issue, and that’s how I deal with things. It has its pros and cons. Pros in that it allows me to keep my life simple and in turn allows me to focus. Cons is that it doesn’t provide closure for me, even today. 

In fact, I am starting to intentionally move away from modeling my behavior and goals this way. How to be a good husband and parent, it should be based on my own yardstick, created by myself, based not just on my parents but also collective knowledge that I gathered from people around me. It should be that way. It’s more robust. It will also allow me to let go of negative feelings towards my dad, not that it matters to him, but more of not allowing it to interfere with my life anymore. My parents marriage status is their problem to deal with, and not my responsibility. They did their best to give me a life and I appreciate it. They are humans and they make mistakes too. I am not in position to judge. I’ll do my duty to my mother since she is the one whom stayed to be there for me and my siblings while my dad effectively went away to build another family. Maybe he was blocked by my mum but he has our numbers and he could had reached out directly anyway. 

Dad, whatever choices you made, you bear the consequences. I don’t hate you. I wish you have a good life too. Don’t be upset that we aren’t connecting with you. You need to understand why and you should just move on. 

I won’t live my life aiming to not to be like you. That’s not fair to you or me. I could make mistakes too. I am not perfect. I’ll move ahead with my own mind and choices, while holding respect for you and mum as my parents who gave me this life. 

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