Dare to hope

I used to be rather positive person, thinking things will always be ok as long as we deal with them logically and with maturity.

Even after several setbacks? I cling on to hopes that it will become better over time. 

Yet time and time again, I was caught off guard, and each time the hurt is harder than the last. Why? I think it’s precisely due to the fact that I still have hopes. But with that mindset, the hurt is much more when setbacks happen.

So, perhaps it’s better to be less optimistic? So that I can be pleasantly surprised if things do work out, or conversely, I will be neutral if they don’t, since that would be inline with what I expect. 

But choosing such a path is horrible to me. It means there’s no more hope. There’s no motivate to do the best. It’s just dragging my feet to move along life. 

It’s like in perpetual self preservation mode, vs what I want, which is perpetually working towards a brighter outcome with hope and confidence and vigor.

So, do I still dare to hope?

Maybe. 

After this recent episode, I realized I did my duty. Those efforts were not in vain. But at same time, I felt shortchanged. 

Why?

Like I am less important. Like I am taken for granted. 

Like my feelings are not important. Like I am ok with any treatment. Like rubbish. 

Respect must be mutual. 

Resentment is brewing nonstop and getting worse. It’s scary.

But to suppress and swallow it quietly is also not the way. 

So much to lose but so much pain too.

Sigh.