What's your identity?

For men, most are tied to their jobs

How well they provide for their family, but that also is derived from how well they did their jobs, be it being employed or self-employed

What about me?

In my early career days, especially before my kids were born, that's how I defined my identity

I really worked very hard and derived a lot of self worth based on my work achievements

And when I moved on to MNCs, the money becomes even better and it motivated me

When my first child was born, my identity slowly shifted. 

Because I am a very hands on father. I can do all the caregiving that my wife could do. Not better, but I am decent. 

I think most modern men are like this. But there are also a non-trivial chunk who are not. They don't do care giving at all, unless their wife is not available.

So after they go home, they mostly just spend their time doing their own thing, indulging their hobbies. But their working wives, will do the care giving.

I am glad I intentionally hands-on for taking care of my children. No, I am not going to be a childcare teacher lol

But its the priceless memories

and its also my identity 

my identity is not just as a professional engineer, but also as a father, not just a provider father, but a father who raise his kids together with his wife as equal. 

what's yours?

Who doesn’t want to have fun in life

 I like to have fun too

I had many ideas and motivations before

But alas, life will mellow you in ways you don’t expect

How do you continue to be spontaneous and engaging when your partner resents you all the time? Especially when it hurts. The strange feeling that she will never ever treat your parent and siblings as real family. Just “no choice” but to accept unwilling kind of attitude 

Keep a distance type. View every intention with suspect type.

How do you keep having motivation to have fun with her in your life? Everything deflates. I just want to reduce to avoid disappointment later 

That’s how life can crush you

I want to have fun too

yes, your kids teach you life

 Sometimes, as parents, we always think we are the one guiding and teaching our kids

But in reality, its mutual

And sometimes, our kids teach us things that we will never learn without them

For me, my kids taught me things I didn't know or I didn't think I should know or I didn't know I didn't know lol

As they grow, they become individuals with own thinking and way of communicating 

And this change happens very fast. Too fast for me

So I get caught off guard

which ended up hurting them

Because I keep treating them as if they have not changed, which meant I ended up resisting the change, and ignoring the change, and unintentionally making them feel unheard and unappreciated, and being blamed for whaat they want to become

I must learn to keep up

I must learn to just listen instead of being quick to judge , quick to step in, quick to advise etc.

My kids teach me how to respect

how to respect their changes

their growth

and no, they fundamentally don't hate me, they just mad that I wasn't able to get them. 

They still love me. Which warms me to bits

These are the souls that kept me alive, brought me back to life

I will love them with my life

But love is easy to say, hard to show

I must learn and be humble to show love

Don't be good, be decent

 When I was younger, I was idealistic, much like most my age, but maybe more lol

I will tell myself "I will be a good son, good husband, good employee, good father, good friend"

Those are good intentions, but as I age and experience life, I have come to temper my ambitions. 

No, I haven't become a bad person lol

But, I am, somewhat more pragmatic and practical.

You see...the word "good" is very heavy. It means perfect, no mistakes, no errors, morale high ground.

It is not realistic at all, and to hold myself to such a bar, its being unreasonable to myself and others around me. 

No one is perfect, but we can all strive to be "decent"

If you want to be the "Good" xxx, it means you will be miserable since its an ideal case. More so, those around you will be miserable due to your pursuit. 

Now, I strive to be a decent husband, decent father, decent son, decent friend, and in general, a decent human being. This isn't lowering the bar. In fact, it is raising the bar. Because decency is not easy, but its actually reachable. So now, I have no excuse to not reach it. Compared to "Good", which is perfect, there is always a way out..."that's ideal case, not possible, so give me a break".

So, let's hold ourselves accountable by striving to be decent people. We will have mistakes, We will have our demons. But we strive to minimise those to our best efforts. We don't consider success to be 100% elimination of these faults, that would be impossible and too easy to discard responsibility as an excuse. 

pressure cooker for kids

 what's that? for them to cook soup when parents are busy?

No!

Its the pressure cooker education system they are in

No choice one. The system must churn out the best

And therefore, it must rigorously test them to sort them out

I went thru it myself. But without Internet, I was a frog in a well

I know my parents are struggling with providing, so I knew they sacrificed a lot to ensure we go as far as we can in our education path, to have a shot at breaking the cycle.

But without Internet, my comparison circle is rather limited, which ironically, helped.

I have some relatives and friends who are well to do, but not to the extent of the millionaires that we all can watch on social media on our phones now. I also have relatives who are like us, and some who are struggling more than us, but not to the extent of those we see on social media now. 

So its a small circle and a rather narrow spectrum, vs the large range and extremities that our kids are exposed to today.

They can see the top 1% and how they live supposedly, and the bottom 1% too. There is tremendous envy and discouragement looking at those top 1%, while there is also huge fear looking at those bottom 1%. I never faced this as a student. I know if I studied hard and get good grades and go into university, I can have a shot at living a lifestyle like my better to do relatives and friends. It looks achievable. Likewise, I know if I fail, how it would look at. Its not nice, but its not full fear. So there is a motivation to work hard, and a lack of fear of failure that is not like what my kids face today. 

They now compare themselves with the whole world. Its not easy and its something I myself find hard to empathise sometimes. 

But I know why and I must try hard to support them

I have the resources to help them, but its not just money. Its knowledge and experience of this world. I came from before Internet to Internet, so I saw both worlds. So I am in position to assist them in navigating the new world. 

My kids : I will help you. I am sorry you have to be in this phase, but I will help you. 

This is also why I never emphasised on grades for my kids. I don't tell many people about their grades. It lifts pressure off them. But I always tell them how proud I am of their hard work. But I also tell them, its ok to take a rest if you have to, the world has many pathways, not all require A in every subject. not all require you to be a scholar, or from a top university. Life will go on, and you will embrace this journey as I believe you try your best and its enough.

Love you both

Life happens

 Plans can change unexpectedly 

Sometimes, we have to accept it gracefully and continue our planned way.

Well, it’s better that way.

Nothings gonna change my world, as the song goes

Be happy, healthy, contented, and grateful 

Dignity and stupidity

 When you are so stupid to be naive and let your guard down, even the closest ones will step on your head

So, maybe it’s better to STFU and act cool

Don’t let anyone know what you are thinking or what your intentions are. Give conflicting but strong signals

Confuse them

Be firm when protecting your parents honor and dignity

 This is not negotiable 

You stand fucking firm on your stance

If someone, especially someone who you are not close to, shows disrespect to your parent, and your parent keeps quiet for your sake, you better stand firm and protect their dignity. It’s your duty.

Don’t let anyone step on you 

Your manners must match your job

 At least put in effort to contain your trap

Financial knowledge or common sense

 https://www.asiaone.com/singapore/man-loses-life-savings-becomes-taxi-driver?utm_source=a1home&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=a1trendingc&utm_content=x2

Which one?

I think it’s common sense 

You sell the roof over your head and your family of four. 

The $100k+ comes in

You feel loaded 

You jumped into a investment, $95k in

Zero diversification 

Super risky 

Online acquaintance, such a coincidence to show up right after your HDB sales proceeds lands in your hands

Bro, where is your common sense?

You left a job instead to accepting a lower pay to take a break for your medical issues. 

Then you went to start your own business (without solving your issues)

Then you sold your place

WTF

And you ask for crowdfunding